I'm as puzzled as a Redsident Evil game. Puzzled about what you ask?
Well, I've just instantly lost someone who was really close to me. And naw, they ain't die. They are going on doing... whatever. Me not expecting this at all, I'm just confused as to wait for...idk. Or just move out? I swear this is some confusing as shit. I won't go certain ways so I don't make a "hoe" outta myself like some people. But I won't go outta my way to wait for anyone either.
I would like to wait until maybe they realize what the fuck happened. Realize we were BOTH wrong. I would love to go back to giving my attention to them. I would love receivin thier attention. Time, touch, everything we had before 1 blow out destroyed it. I would wait for take. But not too long. I could see this as break from each other for a while but, if it was really that serious, (as I really wanted to ask but COULD NOT) that it could never go back, I just drop the shit. I'd like a straight up talk about it just so I could see where I will go with my life.
On the other hand, I could go the route of just freedom. I could just get over it. But the thought , "Should I?" still pops up. If I knew a little more from the person I could make a choice. But at this moment, I'm not ready to become some raging single dude. Not with the shit on my mind. I can't do that to myself. I'm so frustrated. In all way. Mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually. Hmm hmm.
So many thoughts in my head right now. I don't know if they are even worth being written. I'm so confused.
12.14.2008
12.11.2008
Feeling so bad...
Damn I'm feeling horrible. But these two incidents just proves that, sometimes, unnecessary actions are taken. Completely. And before these two incidents, shit was dandy. I came to visit her. And all types of things. Now in the end, I'm blamed for having mental issues, being disrespectful, and all this other shit. We obviously, that isn't the case. I can control myself to a certain point. I respect you until you disrespect me. Truth. Point blank. And sometimes I hold off dissing you back until I'm just fed up. Then when I explode, I'm disrespecting you. I'm wrong. I'm this and that. You blow me with that victim shit. This is unfair.
And now it is all over. Gone because your say I'm disrespectful. I do this, that, and the other. ME ME ME ME ME. Why are you acting like, I'm some menace? Why are you acting like I don't explain my actions afterwords? Why are you acting like YOU are innocent? Why? Why would not end it like an adult? Why carrying it out to the public, but not to ourselves? Why did you say I have mental issues? Why did you you say all this crap you know isn't true? Why?
I can't believe it is over and done with within a matter of hours. A whole year of craziness gone...
And now it is all over. Gone because your say I'm disrespectful. I do this, that, and the other. ME ME ME ME ME. Why are you acting like, I'm some menace? Why are you acting like I don't explain my actions afterwords? Why are you acting like YOU are innocent? Why? Why would not end it like an adult? Why carrying it out to the public, but not to ourselves? Why did you say I have mental issues? Why did you you say all this crap you know isn't true? Why?
I can't believe it is over and done with within a matter of hours. A whole year of craziness gone...
12.10.2008
Fuming
Things are going good.
I'm taking you home one night. I ask, "Why are so grown?" When I said that, I had no real motive as to why I asked. I felt you were acting different. You ask, "How am I acting grown?" I reply, "Cause you just are. You know how you're acting." She says, "No I don't. You are the one who said I'm acting like that." I says, "I just feeling like you're acting grown." She asks, "How?" I say, "I don't know."
Then she starts off saying, "If I say something with no explanation, you get so pissed." I said, "No I would not." She yells, "Yes you would. This is so unfair. That so fucked up." In my heart, I feel so hopeless cause she saying this bullshit, like it TRULY is fucked up. So I say, "I really don't know. You're are just acting grown." She continues to say, "You know if I said something about you with nothing else to say you'd get mad. That's so unfair." I said, "Why do you be you, and I'll be me. So how is it unfair?" And she yells, "Cause shit's suppose to be even. You can say all this crap about me and I have to be fine. But when I say something about you I get all pissed." I'm calm. Until she continuously says it is unfair. I know it is kinda messed up I have to explanation about what I said, but do I need a reaction like this??? Like is this really unfair?
So then she's yelling about how it is unfair, STILL, that I said what I said with no explanation, but when she does it, I get mad. I'm saying, "This is not true, when has this happened?" She replies, "a whole bunch." I ask to bring up one occasion. She says, "You done it a whole bunch." Now, to my knowledge I may have gotten mad about something said about me. But only if is negative. But she says a lot, but can't single out one. Which leads me to know this is not even about not being fair. So she yelling about the SAME thing. I ask calmly, "Can you bet quiet so I can say something?" She says, "NO!" And I'm like, "NO?!" And just starts yelling about the same shit.
At this point, I am PISSED THE FUCK off. I pulled the car over. I ask, "So you ain't gon' like me speak?!" She said, "NO, not with you yelling at me." I started to say, "I wasn't yelling when I asked the first time.." But my anger cut me of after I said "when". I demanded her to get the fuck out the car. "And called her some names." She no. And I was like I'm not moving until you get out. She didn't move.
Finally, I dropped her off down the street from her house. And was out. Later I apologized for initiating the whole thing by asking, "Why are you acting grown?" But I did not, and will not apologize for anything else because I was justly pushed to that point over a small little thing that SHOULD NOT have gotten her mad and dissing me.
Any comments?
I'm taking you home one night. I ask, "Why are so grown?" When I said that, I had no real motive as to why I asked. I felt you were acting different. You ask, "How am I acting grown?" I reply, "Cause you just are. You know how you're acting." She says, "No I don't. You are the one who said I'm acting like that." I says, "I just feeling like you're acting grown." She asks, "How?" I say, "I don't know."
Then she starts off saying, "If I say something with no explanation, you get so pissed." I said, "No I would not." She yells, "Yes you would. This is so unfair. That so fucked up." In my heart, I feel so hopeless cause she saying this bullshit, like it TRULY is fucked up. So I say, "I really don't know. You're are just acting grown." She continues to say, "You know if I said something about you with nothing else to say you'd get mad. That's so unfair." I said, "Why do you be you, and I'll be me. So how is it unfair?" And she yells, "Cause shit's suppose to be even. You can say all this crap about me and I have to be fine. But when I say something about you I get all pissed." I'm calm. Until she continuously says it is unfair. I know it is kinda messed up I have to explanation about what I said, but do I need a reaction like this??? Like is this really unfair?
So then she's yelling about how it is unfair, STILL, that I said what I said with no explanation, but when she does it, I get mad. I'm saying, "This is not true, when has this happened?" She replies, "a whole bunch." I ask to bring up one occasion. She says, "You done it a whole bunch." Now, to my knowledge I may have gotten mad about something said about me. But only if is negative. But she says a lot, but can't single out one. Which leads me to know this is not even about not being fair. So she yelling about the SAME thing. I ask calmly, "Can you bet quiet so I can say something?" She says, "NO!" And I'm like, "NO?!" And just starts yelling about the same shit.
At this point, I am PISSED THE FUCK off. I pulled the car over. I ask, "So you ain't gon' like me speak?!" She said, "NO, not with you yelling at me." I started to say, "I wasn't yelling when I asked the first time.." But my anger cut me of after I said "when". I demanded her to get the fuck out the car. "And called her some names." She no. And I was like I'm not moving until you get out. She didn't move.
Finally, I dropped her off down the street from her house. And was out. Later I apologized for initiating the whole thing by asking, "Why are you acting grown?" But I did not, and will not apologize for anything else because I was justly pushed to that point over a small little thing that SHOULD NOT have gotten her mad and dissing me.
Any comments?
Burning Sensation
I have this burning sensation in my heart. In my soul. In my mind. I don't know if this sensation is pain. Or anger. Or maybe even regret. Maybe a deadly mixture? Of what was? Now gone so quickly? I could not even fight to salvage what was once something. It evaporated the instant the phone call was ended and I didn't even know. Then to have it all blamed on me. To have all that weight hit my shoulders. Knowing it isn't true, but yet, it does not matter at all. It is nothing anymore. So what is this sensation? What is this weight? I am hurt to point I don't want to do anything anymore. Mortally wounded. This pain, this sensation, these thoughts become unbearable. I wish none of it happened so I wouldn't have this pain. But I'm glad it happened because it made to be such an insightful person. More open.
Regret
Not even a formal end. Not even close. I feel like such a fool. I took back such a dirty dog to have it bite me back.
Pain
Knowing it ended not because I was wrong initially, but lead into believing it was wholly my fault. Knowing someone looked at the bad so into depth, it seemed to them as frequent as showering.
Hatred
For being lied on. For being blame. For being someone I was not. For letting you get me to the point I have to curse and fuss to defend my innocence. Then to have my defense your offense. How low. How low. For not letting me speak. For blaming everything on me. For not seeing your faults. For misunderstanding my understandings.
In the end, I hate you.
Regret
Not even a formal end. Not even close. I feel like such a fool. I took back such a dirty dog to have it bite me back.
Pain
Knowing it ended not because I was wrong initially, but lead into believing it was wholly my fault. Knowing someone looked at the bad so into depth, it seemed to them as frequent as showering.
Hatred
For being lied on. For being blame. For being someone I was not. For letting you get me to the point I have to curse and fuss to defend my innocence. Then to have my defense your offense. How low. How low. For not letting me speak. For blaming everything on me. For not seeing your faults. For misunderstanding my understandings.
In the end, I hate you.
12.08.2008
What a set up...
Incident: My girl and I are playing Xbox. We lose the game. Mainly because she doesn't know how to play, but whatever. I say, "You made us lose." She says, "Oh" I says, "When the zombies are close to you, hit them." She says, "I was." NOTE: We are on the same screen, so I can see what she's doing. And she was not. I say, "You were not, Morgan." She says, "Yes I was!" I was like, whatever, next time make sure you hit them. From there, it was all fucking good in the hood.
Now, 1 full week later.
We're on the phone, and she says, I've been (like everyday) talking to her fucked up. Calling her names. I ask when. She says, "when we were playing Xbox." She said I told her she was the reason we lost and other fucked up names. I said, I did tell you, you made us lose, but names did i call you?! She says, just fucked up names. Deep down in my heart, I'm like, wow, is she really doing this right now? I ask, "Morgan, what fucked up names?" And she answers with,"We lose the game and you said I made you lose the game, then you called me some fucked up names." I asked again, "What fucked up name did I call you?" So at the moment she has NOTHING at all against me except that I blamed our lose on her. Which may have been wrong, but it was true and not said in an angey way. And now she's lying about me calling her fucked up names. I ask her, "Why are you lying on me?!" She asks, "Why would I be lying on you?" From there I become soooo anger. I yelled, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME WHY WOULD YOU LIE ON ME?! IDK, ASK YOURSELF THAT, MORGAN. I DID NOT CALL YOU ANY FUCKED UP SHIT!" Then she replies, "There you go talking to me fucked up again.... I went off... So from that part on I was wrong. BUT, she held THIS against me as if she wanted something blame on me. When originally, I didn't talk to her fucked up, i didn't do anything she accused me of.
So then she made this proposal. She wasn't going to talk to me for a while. I'm like WOW?! This is so unfair. Then she yelling about how I talk to her disrespectful. And I'm basically in my own mind because my anger is consuming me. I know that she knows I didn't disrespect her until JUST NOW. And she's saying it like it's been going on ALL WEEK! So I asked her, "Now let me talk, you've yelled at me, but can you listen for 5 MINUTES?!" She becomes silent. I say, "You're a big ass kid for letting what I said to you get you this mad that you're lying about what I really said. Maybe you want to blame something on me! But you KNOW i didn't say anything fucked up Morgan, YOU FUCKING KNOW IT!" Then she cuts me off, "Look at how you're talking to me now." I gave up there. And hung up.
So then, I call her the next day, she doesn't pick up. I call her later that day. Doesn't pick up. So I'm like, WTF?! I call until she answers. She picks up, "Stop blowing up my phone, I don't wanna talk to you for a while. So stop calling. I calmy asked, "Well can I ask 2 questions?" She says, "No, I don't wanna talk." I say, "Then don't fucking talk, listen." She asks, "How am I suppose to answer?" I say, "Just let me talk." She says, "No. Idk even know why I let you get this far. Goodbye." I just sit helplessly, like dog, why don't I have family in B-More? lol But I have friends. So the I thought, this is sooo unfair. She can't even listen.
Now ya'll tell me what you think. Thi is bullshit right? What a damn set-up!!!
Now, 1 full week later.
We're on the phone, and she says, I've been (like everyday) talking to her fucked up. Calling her names. I ask when. She says, "when we were playing Xbox." She said I told her she was the reason we lost and other fucked up names. I said, I did tell you, you made us lose, but names did i call you?! She says, just fucked up names. Deep down in my heart, I'm like, wow, is she really doing this right now? I ask, "Morgan, what fucked up names?" And she answers with,"We lose the game and you said I made you lose the game, then you called me some fucked up names." I asked again, "What fucked up name did I call you?" So at the moment she has NOTHING at all against me except that I blamed our lose on her. Which may have been wrong, but it was true and not said in an angey way. And now she's lying about me calling her fucked up names. I ask her, "Why are you lying on me?!" She asks, "Why would I be lying on you?" From there I become soooo anger. I yelled, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME WHY WOULD YOU LIE ON ME?! IDK, ASK YOURSELF THAT, MORGAN. I DID NOT CALL YOU ANY FUCKED UP SHIT!" Then she replies, "There you go talking to me fucked up again.... I went off... So from that part on I was wrong. BUT, she held THIS against me as if she wanted something blame on me. When originally, I didn't talk to her fucked up, i didn't do anything she accused me of.
So then she made this proposal. She wasn't going to talk to me for a while. I'm like WOW?! This is so unfair. Then she yelling about how I talk to her disrespectful. And I'm basically in my own mind because my anger is consuming me. I know that she knows I didn't disrespect her until JUST NOW. And she's saying it like it's been going on ALL WEEK! So I asked her, "Now let me talk, you've yelled at me, but can you listen for 5 MINUTES?!" She becomes silent. I say, "You're a big ass kid for letting what I said to you get you this mad that you're lying about what I really said. Maybe you want to blame something on me! But you KNOW i didn't say anything fucked up Morgan, YOU FUCKING KNOW IT!" Then she cuts me off, "Look at how you're talking to me now." I gave up there. And hung up.
So then, I call her the next day, she doesn't pick up. I call her later that day. Doesn't pick up. So I'm like, WTF?! I call until she answers. She picks up, "Stop blowing up my phone, I don't wanna talk to you for a while. So stop calling. I calmy asked, "Well can I ask 2 questions?" She says, "No, I don't wanna talk." I say, "Then don't fucking talk, listen." She asks, "How am I suppose to answer?" I say, "Just let me talk." She says, "No. Idk even know why I let you get this far. Goodbye." I just sit helplessly, like dog, why don't I have family in B-More? lol But I have friends. So the I thought, this is sooo unfair. She can't even listen.
Now ya'll tell me what you think. Thi is bullshit right? What a damn set-up!!!
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